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#5 Dear Cow Wabby : Hello, My name is.... and I'm an addict... 10-13-09 Dear Cow Wabby, I’m an addict and I need your help. There, I’ve said it. My secret is no longer a secret. I’ve been hooked on grass for several years. It started when I was a just a youngster. One
day my mom couldn’t satisfy my hunger and I noticed another calf nibbling on some green stuff, so, pressured by my peers,
I tried it. I was hooked on grass right away, but I didn’t know it – or didn’t want to admit it. I still
pretended to be interested in the warm nourishment from Ma, but what I really wanted was more grass. Pretty soon it didn’t matter how I got it. Once I followed the neighbor’s cows as they climbed
the steepest mountain just for a few bites. I even broke into a barbed wire exclosure when I saw the most beautiful crop of
green you could imagine. I’ve been known to throw all caution to the wind just for a nibble. I’ve even broken
down fences ‘cause it’s true – the grass is always greener on the other side. The more I have, the more I want. I haven’t noticed any major health problems, but I’m sure it’s
not without consequences. I do find myself not caring about my appearance. For example, I’m getting fatter and fatter.
Nothing seems to matter except grazing. Last spring when the bull didn’t
glance my way, I found solace in some tender shoots down by the creek. Sometimes when my tummy is so darned full, I actually
have adopted the bulimic habit of burping it back up so I can eat it again. When
my supply runs out, I wait like an unemployed auto worker for the handout each day. I have no pride left. And I have a dealer – I meet him down at the feedground and he drops it off the wagon as he
drives by. I’m not even sure how much it’s costing me, but I don’t care. I know he’ll be around to
collect some day. For the past several years he’s taken my offspring, but
despite the loss of my calf and the painful adjustment of not being nursed, I cownsole myself by eating more grass! And it doesn’t stop there - I’ve led several of my heifer calves into this life –
teaching them how to search for the best patches. I’m sure my offspring suffered from fetal grass syndrome: born into
a life of grass addiction. How bad is that? Cow Wabby, I’m desperate. Please
help me get off my grass and kick this habit. Signed, Cain’t wait to eat that Green Green Grass of Home HAY STUPID! ~ Yeah,
you – You have to be the dumbest cow I’ve ever heard from. I’m going to give you an answer, but I’ll
bet my greasy green rump that you don’t lift your hungry head up long enough to read it. You started on grass as a young calf and now, after years and years of pluckin’ the pastures,
you ask for help? Your conscience suddenly kick in or what? You been reading them self-help billboards on the road out
by the pasture again, ain’t ya, Crackers? Here’s
the facts: Montana grass is some of the most highly prized grass in the country. There’s no getting off it once you’ve
tried it. You could get on NutriLix, Loomix, Crystalix, or other supplements, but they’re just crutches. You could try
cowncelling, but while it might help plump up your self-esteem, when the day is done, you’re gonna be a groping for
more green grass. You’re hooked on that Green God
and you may as well plan on Bowing before that Organic Altar the rest of your natural days. My advice to you, Goggle Eyes,
is to accept yourself and adjust to the fact that you’re gonna be grazing on green forever. Relax and Waller in your Wellness, Whiney Poo, until you’re tits up and cowmposted for
the greater good of generations of green gluttons. Now
excuse me – I have a lunch date with a bale processor – DON’T INTERRUPT ME AGAIN. Signed, You Don’t Want
to Make Me Cow Wabby
#4: Dear Cow Wabby: I'm a Beauty and he's a Beast! Dear Cow Wabby ~ I'm at wits end. There is a bull in our pasture
who won't leave me alone. When I'm trying to socialize with my friends, he prances around, sniffing and snorting, and
demands my attention. I know bulls have their place, but I'm not ready to jump
on the "have a calf - nurse a calf - wean a calf - have another calf " bandwagon like all the other heifers
seem to have climbed on. I've given
him all the rejections signs I can think of, but he won't quit. How can I let this bull-y know that I don't want
his attention? I've tried turning my back on him; I've walked away. I don't like the bulls; I don't like their smell. And I especially don't like this one that's always
bull-ying me. Frankly, I'm put off by it all. He just doesn't get it. Signed,
...I'm a Beauty But He's A Beast. Dear
Beauty Is Only Hide Deep ~ Well, ain't you somethin', Princess.
You don't like bulls, you don't like their smell and you don't like to be bullied. Well, Sugar, let me ask you this: How do you feel about onions? 'Cause without these
bullish beasts and their service,you will soon be sharing a bun with sliced onions and some cheese and served with a side
of fries. My advise to you is to jump on the "calf band-wagon"
soon or you're going to be taking a ride on the meat wagon. He may not get it until he "gets it". There are some things a cow must endure to stay
on the ranch. If I was you, I'd call that beast as soon as you get the urge, tolerate him until you get the job done and he'll
lose interest. You might think you're a beauty, Scrumptious, but, believe me, that bull couldn't pick your face
out of a line-up of one. Put your gigantic ego - and the bull behind you, and get on with your life. Signed....You Royal Pain in the Ass Heifers make me Cow Wabby.
#3 Dear Cow Wabby: I'd Be The Most Cowntented Cow In all The West July
22, 2009
Dear Cow Wabby ~ This spring the rancher went to a bull sale
in a nearby town and bought the highest priced bull there - What A Beauty! He's everything I could ask for in a
mate, and more! Mixing his genes with mine guarantees we'll have the best offspring ever! I couldn't have found a better
mate if I'd used E-Cowmany! My dreams had come true! The rancher picked him because his EPDs (Expected Progeny Differences) are exactly the ones to complement
my top-notch beef traits. His rib-eye measured off the chart! His ....ahem... scrotum size, you realize, will just
amaze, not to mention the "unmention-a-bull part". But now I've had it ....once - just once! ....then Mr. Bull Bailey proceeded to mate with all the other cows in the pen! ....without so much
as a glance in my direction! I
need your advise - how can I buy a papered bull that I can call my own, a bull that other cattle cannot steal. I want to be
the one to have the fun; I want him to wear my brand. Can you help? Signed, I'd be the Most Cowntented Cow in all The West Dear Miscowntented ~ It
doesn't matter if you live in the west, Queenie, or where you live. What we have here is a cowsick case of jealousy.
If you're miscowntented, it's of your own doing. The rest of
the herd seems happy to share the bull, and you should be too. There's nothing wrong when all the calves are cowsins - that
just makes the herd tighter. Mr. Bignads has enough little swimmers
to go around - that's why he brought the highest price at the sale. He can service the cows in your pen, the pretty
little heifers in the neighbor's lot, and still slip down the road to give those old gummers at the stockyards their last
thrill, if given the chance. Now, be realistic - if you and Mr.
Moovelous were to mate only with each other, you'd only produce one calf a year, and your rancher would be known as a "cow
rancher" instead of a "cattle rancher" - not much profit in that. You're pretty precious, Sweetcheeks,
but you're not the only old hide waiting to be mounted, if you get my drift. You oughta be glad he views you from the rear,
Precious. I'm bettin' it's your good side 'cause I'm pretty sure you have a sour look on your mug. So cownt yer blessings, Ms. AmeriCow,
and be glad you've had it. Your son, the steer, should be so lucky. Signed, I'm Truly Cow Wabby
#2 Dear Cow Wabby: Talk About
Tremblin T*ts July 9, 2009 Dear CowWabby~ I'm a young heifer who has just about had it with my calf. No matter where I am, he's
sucked on to me like an Electrolux demonstrator! I know I got myself into this fix by foolin' around with the bulls, but I
don't know how to handle this. I've had enough of this sucking stuff! I'm SUCKED DRY! Any advise you can give me? Signed, Talk
About Tremblin' T*ts Dear Titsy: You should have signed your name
"Thankless", 'cause you don't seem to appreciate the opportunity you've been given. If you didn't have the calf
by your side, Honey, you'd be on the first truck to market. So pay attention to him - let him turn you inside out if need
be. Your your future depends on him tipping the scales come shippin' time. The mothers of those scrawny, fussy eaters
will be going down the road, but those who raise good, strong calves are bound to be around for a long time to come. So the
next time your little darlin' latches on, cownt your blessings! Signed, You're Just Stupid and I'm Cow
Wabby
#1 Dear Cow Wabby: Lookin' For Love June 30, 2009 Dear
Cow Wabby, I recently noticed a bull from the neighbor's pasture peeking over
the fence at me. I think he's interested, but I don't know how to tell for sure. Any
advise? Signed, I've Been Looking For Love In All the Wrong Places
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